Brett Morris

Words of wisdom

Never jump into the shower. You'll slip and fall.

Next time you’re ready for a quick rinse, don’t get all gung-ho and just leap in like Baryshnikov in Le Corsaire.  If you do, let me know if you remember this little nugget as you’re glissading on the wet floor tile, flailing your arms like a V-22 Osprey, desperately grasping for your pink flamingoed shower curtain.

You latch onto the curtain stronger than a baby koala to its mother's back remembering the soliloquy you had in Target about not needing expensive shower hooks because, “really, they’re all the same." That's when you hear those cheap aluminum bastards jingle one-by-one as they snap off the metal rod.

As you fall the curtain envelops you into a human maki roll. Your head slams into the hot temperature knob, so that the scalding water rains down upon you like Moses’ 7th fiery plague. As your skin scorches, your naked ass hits the side of the tub only to be rocketed up the other side, like a snowboarder in a half-pipe. You'd get style points but the Russian judge docks you for technique. As your wet, mangled, body finally comes to a rest in the watery abyss- you can only think, “I should have heeded the advice I read on that copywriter’s bio I was perusing during that really slow status meeting.”

But a little about me. I was a professional ballroom dancer so if you ever need recommendations about how to gracefully leap into or out of the tub, I’m your man. I don’t look good in skinny jeans (dancer’s booty). And I despise coconut in all forms, but especially smelling like one – too many years spray tanning for ballroom competitions. Plus, I have the greatest roommates, my dog and my wife (wife not pictured).